No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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