I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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