I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
