i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She even gives head with a lisp.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
