I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
