I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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