Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Couch. On fire.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
