Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Hippo gnu deer
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
