I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
