we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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