fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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