By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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