A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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