I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
