remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
