I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
whose parrot is this?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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