My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
