ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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