Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
