Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
