If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
