I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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