last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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