She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
