i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
