Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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