Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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