12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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