I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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