every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
