I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
