Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
