Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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