I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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