Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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