I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
