Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
