A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
