Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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