I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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