My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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