So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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