So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
