Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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