i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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