wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
