Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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