I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
