AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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