I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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