escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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