you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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