So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
