I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
