dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
