In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In other news, I just burned my penis
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
