After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I would ride that face into the sunset
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
